Boo! Thee

Amish.Haunting.S01E02

As a huge fan of all things paranormal, I watched a new show called Amish Haunting. Has reality TV run out of self-centered, vapid housewives and big-assed nobodies that they had to turn their sensation seeking cameras on the Amish? Obviously, the cable channel Destination America wasn’t getting enough ratings with The Haunted, Hauntings, Ghost Stalkers, Ghost Adventures, When Ghosts Attack, Haunted Ghosts, Ghosts Who Haunt and Attack, and Hillbilly Blood. So, they added Amish Haunting to their lineup: a show that begs the question, “How bored does a ghost have to be to haunt the Amish?”

First of all, to me, the Amish are frightening enough without having to add hauntings into their mix. Weirdly dressed people living out in the middle of nowhere who speak in a language that sounds like albums being played backwards. Also, anyone who knows anything about ghosts knows that they like to communicate through electricity. Lights will turn on and off, televisions will change channels, kitchen appliances start up. How do these ghosts let the Amish know they’re being haunted? Do they rattle the butter churner in the middle of the night? Do they pull out stitches from the weaving loom? I bet that would make the hair in those three-foot long beards stand straight up. After watching a couple of episodes, I soon found out there are more ways than electricity to scare the homespun pants off the Amish.

One episode is about Ruth and Ezekiel who had sex before they got married and Ruth got pregnant. All during the pregnancy they were terrified that God would punish them for their sin. Boy did He ever! When the baby was born it was half human half goat and it was hungry. When Ruth cried out, “Get thee away from thy milking breast,” Ezekiel knew he was screwed. He grabbed the creature and hid it in the barn. Obviously blaming Ezekiel for impregnating her before marriage with his goat-infused sperm, Ruth named the baby Ezekiel. That’s when I started to like Ruth, even if she was a slut. After hearing the baby’s unearthly cries, their neighbors, Ruth and Ezekiel, thought something weird was going on so they went to the Elders – Ezekiel, Ezekiel, Milo, Caleb and Ezekiel. When the creature was discovered Ruth and Ezekiel put Ezekiel Goat Jr. in their buggy and clip clopped out of town. The Elders started after them in a nerve wracking, nail biting buggy chase shouting, “Halt thee!” After an exhausting 30 minute, quarter of a mile chase, the Elders gave up and turned back. Ezekiel Goat Jr. freaked out, jumped out of the buggy and ran into the woods never to be seen again. Or was he?

Amish lore says that every blue moon a horrific half animal, half human cry can be heard from the woods when the Goat Baby needs to feed. Afraid that the creature will feed on their families, the Amish put out a warm dish of food to appease him. Then they lock their doors, blow out their candles and wait out the night in silent terror.

Speaking of terror, I can’t wait for next week’s episode when a possessed load of lumber wreaks havoc at a barn raising.Booo!

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