E-Helter Skelter.com

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I have a few girlfriends who are single. They’ve tried dating services, speed dating, online dating with that creepy guy from E-Harmony, and the prison pen pal program. So far, nothing has worked. It’s not like the old days where all you had to do was hang out at a bar in a short skirt, low-cut top and wait for guys to start buying you drinks. Apparently, dating standards have gotten a lot higher and marriage is nearly impossible. Or so I thought. That is until I saw a news item that said Charles Manson is getting married.

Charles Manson. Cult leader. Christ impersonator. Swastika tattooed, drug ingesting psychotic mass murderer, Charlie Manson is getting married. He has accomplished what none of my attractive, witty and I might add, sane women friends have been able to. He not only found someone while spending 23 hours a day, 365 days a year alone in a cell, he actually found someone to marry. And, it’s not Crazy Eyes Claude who trades shivs for cigarettes. Or, Rump-Thumpin’ Roscoe who passes out soap in the shower. It’s a woman: A very young woman.

Just like any other senile old man, Charlie found a mate 54 years his junior. 54 years! I don’t know if we can really consider her a Trophy Wife. Any woman who marries an 80-year-old insane murderer can’t really be considered a prize. Can she? What did she tell her parents? How could she possibly put a good spin on Charles Manson? “Mom, Dad, I met a great guy. He’s mature. He’s never been married. He doesn’t have any children or outstanding college debt and he only has one small tattoo. You’ll love him.” I mean this is the guy we all held up to strict fathers everywhere who gave us grief over dating boys with long hair and ripped jeans! “Geeze, Dad. He’s not Charles Manson!”

The good news is that Charlie’s new wife will not be able to give birth to the spawn of Satan. According to California law conjugal visits are prohibited for inmates serving a life sentence. Manson will be up for parole again in 2027. By then his wife will be pushing 40 and if he’s like any other man, he’ll be looking for someone younger anyway.

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