At some time or another we’ve all fallen victim to the latest fads. Whether it’s clothes, hairstyles, makeup, or shoes, all of us have been guilty of following the crowd. It’s funny how we have to move forward before we can look back and see how ridiculous some trends were. In1983 I thought my braided tail, bleached Billy Idol white and trailing down my back was cool. I particularly loved the way it stood out against my black Members Only jacket. My Aunt Mary made me cut the tail off before my wedding. She said, “You don’t want to look at your wedding photos in ten years and see that thing at the back of your head.” She was a smart woman, because I truly believed that tail would be in style forever. Luckily, for us all, there are hard copy photos filed away in albums and tucked away in drawers that will always remind us of the mistakes we made. But don’t think that all trendy mistakes are limited to just personal style. There’s plenty to find fault with when you look past the people in old photos and check out the furniture in the room.

When I was a kid, my mother had a fascination for Early American furniture. We had rooms filled with spindly legged chairs and sofas that had a weight limit of about 75 pounds. There were pillows and upholstery emblazoned with eagles and scenes of the Revolutionary War. Every time I walked into the family room I expected to hear someone playing the fife. My father was not a fan of this Early American style as he complained there was nowhere to sit that was comfortable. He was right. My brother and I used to hunker down on the oval shaped braided rung underneath the Ethan Allen coffee table to watch TV.  And then, when my older sister got married and got her first home, she totally rebelled against my mother’s taste. Everything in her house was black, white and red. 

Her living room had shag carpeting so deep you could lose a small child in it. She had a popcorn ceiling and some strange end tables that she referred to as “commodes.”  In her bathroom, she had a black shower curtain, black rugs and black towels. It was the perfect setting for slitting your wrists in the tub. I hated going in there. No matter how good of a mood you were in, once you stood behind that black shower curtain you lost all hope in the world. At one point, she added swinging saloon doors in the hallway. It always looked like John Wayne could come out at any time, hike up his holster, tip his hat and ask why the bathroom was so depressing. 

As ridiculous as those swinging saloon doors were, at least my sister didn’t hang up signs with messages on them. This latest decorating craze has to be one of the dumbest I’ve ever seen. Do you really need a sign in the kitchen that says “Kitchen?” Has anyone ever walked into the kitchen and peed in the sink because they thought it was the bathroom? Have we become so lazy and ignorant that we have to be constantly reminded what room we are in?

Not only do these signs depict where you are, they also tell you how to act. When entering someone’s home you could be bombarded with signs demanding that you Live, Love, Laugh and Be Kind. There are generic signs that mean absolutely nothing like; Love is Family. Be Grateful. This is Our Happy Place. Whenever I’m in someone’s home and I’m surrounded by these emotional directions, I feel like saying, “Listen, I just came over for a glass of wine and to complain about the neighbors, not to be judged.” 

Whatever happened to those needlepoint canvases that simply said, Home Sweet Home? If you saw that sign, you immediately knew you were in your grandmother’s house. My mother used to leave signs around our house all the time. Clean Your Room would be tacked to my bedroom door daily. Sometimes she added the word NOW! We didn’t have a cute bathroom sign that said The Throne Room. Ours was a hand scrawled note taped to the underside of the toilet lid that said Put Down the Lid. In the summer she would put a sign on the front door that said Stay Outside Until Dinner. We paid attention to these signs. They meant something. Forever, For Always, and No Matter What is just bullshit. It doesn’t even make sense. And these instructional, judgmental signs aren’t just limited to the inside of the house either. Let’s talk about yard signs.

Keep Off The Grass signs used to be everywhere. Growing up in my suburban neighborhood where dads spent their weekends fertilizing, mowing and watering their lawns, they didn’t want anyone to step foot on that plush green carpet. My dad wouldn’t even let us play on the front lawn. We had to play in the street where a simple game of Leap Frog or Tag usually ended with someone’s head splitting open on the concrete. But, at least the lawn looked good. Lawn signs today carry much more weight. Forget putting election signs outs. If you put out the “wrong” candidate’s sign, angry people will trample over your Keep Off The Grass sign and then lay waste to your house with rocks and bottles. I’m sure some of these people also have a Be Kind sign hanging in their house. But, to me the worst lawn signs are those snobby, judgmental, virtual signaling, I’m better than you are signs. 

We’ve all seen them. They say something like In this house we believe in science. We believe in kindness. We believe everyone is equal….” blah, blah, blah. In my opinion, if you truly live your life that way, you don’t need to alert people with a sign.

I would love to put up one that looks like one of those signs, but when you get close enough to read it it says, In this house we watch Star Trek. We have a cat. We don’t eat sushi. We listen to alternative rock. Let people know we’re just living our lives without having to elevate ourselves above others. I hope when these yard signs fade from the sun, peel from the rain and rust from the snow, the people inside the house find peace with themselves and are comfortable enough to toss them in the trash.

Just one more thing, if there’s a sign in your yard announcing that your child has ‘graduated’ from pre-school or fifth grade, no one cares. And if there is a legitimate high school graduation sign, two weeks should be the maximum time allowed on the lawn. Anything longer than two weeks should be against city code. So, in the meantime, please try to find your way to the laundry room without a sign, and I am demanding that you Live, Laugh, Love every day.